Dream - Coming Back

This week I’ve had the most incredible experience, mostly last night, and I want to share it with you. I know it will be difficult to get my emotions across through a letter to you, thousands of miles away, but I just hope that you can feel my spirit and maybe it will speak to yours. I hope that you will at least be able to make sense of all these feelings even though I’m still trying to organize them all. You are the one person I feel like I can and should share them with. Tanner, I think I’m coming back… I went away for a little bit, let go of all that I hold dear, but I think I have finally realized what I had been doing wrong and I hope I know how to fix it. Let me try to explain the best I can… I lay in bed last night after spending some time on my knees with the Lord, I opened up my scriptures and for the second night in a row, just like you said, I found the answer I had been praying for. Tears filled my eyes and I prayed even more. Then hundreds of thoughts began to race through my head. I knew I needed to write them down, but as I looked at the clock and realized it was almost midnight, I told myself I would write them down later; I desperately needed sleep. I woke up this morning with even more thoughts running through my head, I rushed off to class, barely paid attention, and now I’m in the computer lab, trying to sort through these thoughts and emotion that are overwhelming my entire mind. I just hope I can get all my thoughts out before my next class starts… I apologize if reading this seems like I’m telling a story that I’ve related to gospel principles, it’s the best way I can think to express my feelings. I guess it is a story of the last few months of my life. I just hope you can try to understand and still accept me after I leave myself vulnerable to your thoughts. I was walking along my path in life, just as I always had. There was a little bit of fog covering the path, however, the rod that I was holding illuminated the way just enough that I knew just where to go. I continued walking. Then instead of keeping my eyes straight ahead, I began to look around, I wanted to see what was going on around me. Why? I had never wanted to do this before… But I indulged in a little curiosity. I turned to my left, and in the distance I saw a form. The fog made it difficult to see what it was, but I was intrigued. I loosened my grip just enough that I could turn a little further, look a little harder, and there it was. A building. The lights were on and I could see people inside. Something told me, “You don’t care what they’re doing, don’t worry about it – keep going.” But something else told me, “Look a little harder. Don’t you just want to watch? You don’t have to let go, just watch.” So that’s what I did. I took one step closer, stopped walking, and just sat and watched, with my hand gently placed on the rod. If I look back over the past few months I don’t know exactly when this happened. It wasn’t a point in time that I just turned and disregarded my path, it was a slow relaxation of my standards, and probably was reinforced by the Lake Powell trip with nonmembers questioning my testimony and the church. I defended everything that I stood for, but after the ‘debate’ thoughts of doubt and question filled my mind. Why did I let what they were saying get to me? Why did I ignore the spirit that entire trip with little things like what to wear, what to say, and how to act? These questions still remain unanswered. (It’s interesting to note that this is where you mentioned you noticed a change in my tone in my letters…) I continued to watch the building and the people inside. There was nothing of importance going on, but for some reason, I kept watching. At times I would turn and see people passing me along the path, but I was too scared to ask for help, I figured I could just come back on my own. However, feelings of emptiness grew as I continued to watch. I wondered why I felt so alone. I wondered why I began to feel unworthy to be one of God’s children. An image keeps popping into my mind. One where I see myself standing in a field of dead grass with my eyes closed. The sky is gloomy and the colors are all muted. As I keep watching this image, I see a tornado begin to spin around me, which upon close examination is a tornado of words; words that I shouldn’t believe – all from the advisary trying to bring me down. But as the tornado thickens and darkens, I can’t get out. The longer I stand there the less my own light fades and my skin turns a dingy gray color… I turn my head from the great building full of people, and look back towards my right hand, still placed gently on the rod. I see another hand, reached out towards me. I look up and see my bishop standing there, hand outstretched, with Christ at his side. Both have this look in their eyes of longing and love. I can feel that they want me to come with them and I am overcome by a feeling to join them. I release my hand from the rod and begin to reach towards that outstretched hand. Then I hear a whisper in my ear, filled with those same words that I saw in the tornado, “You’re not worthy of them. You don’t need them.” I retract my hand and place it back on the rod. The look of sadness in the eyes of my bishop and my Savior tear my soul in two. Tears begin to stream down my face for I know not what to do. I feel them both fade away and I am left alone. Feelings of guilt and inadequacy overwhelm my soul and I fall down on my knees and begin to sob. After a time I open my eyes to see a pile of letters on the ground next to my leg. I open each and begin to read. They are filled with love and encouragement from my best friend. He is off fighting a different battle, looking for our lost brothers and sisters to bring them back to the path. In each letter he bares testimony of the Savior, sometimes by simply encouraging me to read my scriptures. He tells me to pray with a question in mind and then search my scriptures and I will always find the answer. He tells me to trust the Lord. He bears his testimony of the Plan of Salvation. I’ve heard these things before. I reach into my back pocket and pull out a tattered Book of Mormon and begin to read. Just as my friend said, and just as I knew they would, the answers seemed to jump off each page. Each night I prayed and each night I received an answer. I placed my hand on the rod and stood up - filled with new conviction. I looked up and saw my bishop still standing there, with arms outstretched. A tread of fear began to weave its way into my heart, but I quickly grabbed his hand. He pulled me into a hug and said, “Don’t be scared, Kyra. I’m right here. Let me help you. I know you want to do this on your own but let me help you. The Savior has been here the whole time, let me help you see him.” This last paragraph basically sums up this last week. That seems like such a short time for things to change, but it began with a meeting with my bishop last Sunday. It was just a simple meeting to get to know each other, since my birthday was coming up. The first thing the bishop commented on was how happy I was; and it was true. I am happy, and that’s why I thought I was doing okay. The Lord fills us with joy, right? Why would he let us experience joy if we weren’t doing what we were supposed to be? I knew I was struggling spiritually, but when the bishop asked I said I was doing good (I intentionally didn’t say great, just good). We talked for a second about what makes people glow and came up with two things- worthiness and the Spirit. I wanted to ask him if I glow, because I honestly don’t know… I’ve had people tell me recently that I do, but I certainly don’t feel that way. So why can others see it and I can’t? At the end of the meeting I asked the bishop to give me a blessing. I told him I just needed strength and guidance. He paused, and for a moment I wasn’t sure how much of my true feelings he already knew. He gave me the blessing and I know I could feel my Savior reaching out his hand to me. I didn’t want the blessing to end, I hadn’t felt that close to my Savior in a very long time, but alas, it ended. I stood up and the bishop gave me a hug and asked if there was anything else he could do for me. This is the part where I retracted my hand. I smiled politely, thanked him, but said I was good. Why didn’t I reach out to him and tell him that I needed him? Why didn’t I tell him that I don’t know how to see the Savior in my life? I believe that is why this week was that way that it was. It has brought me so much more understanding of the experience of Alma the Younger in chapter 36. Now I don’t know all that he went through, but this last week I can say that my mind and Spirit have been in an unending wrestling match. I can barely focus on my school work, I can’t fall asleep… the only thing I can think about is asking the bishop to help me. I’ve been trying to push that idea out of my mind all week, it scares me to death. In my mind talking to the bishop was always for repentance of something big. In Institute on Wednesday night the lesson was all about repentance. The minute the teacher announced the lesson topic, tears filled my eyes as I knew it was specifically for me. Things that I should have understood a long time ago finally came full circle as I realized how imperfect I am and how much help I need. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I’m ALWAYS going to need to repent. I knew this but I don’t think I completely understood it. The bishop isn’t there just to confess sins to, he’s there to help me repent of anything and everything and find the Savior again. This last part being the key. I thought I could find the Savior on my own. I didn’t understand why I needed someone else to help me find something that is so personal. The truth is, I can’t do this on my own. I can’t express how grateful I am for the Atonement, that my older brother would be so willing to suffer so much just to come find me and reach his hand out to me and say, “Kyra, I’m waiting for YOU. I’m here for YOU. Just LET me help you.” All I have to do is let him in. I don’t know why I’ve struggled to do that. I read in my scriptures either that night or the night before one of the scriptures that had an answer for me. 3 Nephi 18:32 – Christ is talking to his disciples and just explained the sacrament to them. He explains the organization of the church and then talks about the repentance of his people. At the end of verse 32 he says, “I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them.” This helped me understand why I need to not be afraid, but let my bishop help me. I’ve been struggling with understanding the importance of a bishop, but that one sentence explains everything. Thursday on my way home from work I called the executive secretary and set up an appointment to meet with the bishop this coming Tuesday. I was surprised at the amount of comfort that came just from making the appointment. Fear is still trying to weave its way into my mind, but I keep reminding myself that I have nothing to be afraid of. I don’t know why that’s the one emotion that won’t give up, but I’m determined to win this battle. Later Thursday night I received another answer through my scriptures. I almost didn’t grab my scriptures that night. I had periodically been reading them throughout the day and when I climbed into bed late that night I thought, “I’m good. I’ve already read a few times today.” But this very very faint thought snuck into my mind and said, “that’s okay. Go grab your i-touch anyways. A few verses will only take a few minutes.” I thought for just a second, and then climbed out of bed. 3 Nephi 22: 7-14 “for a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord they Redeemer…..for the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee…In righteousness shalt though be established; thou shalt be far from oppression for thou shalt not fear, and from terror for it shall not come near thee.” I don’t know if I’ve ever felt the Lord speaking so directly to me. Almost every verse of that little 17 verse chapter was meant just for me, I know it. Tears filled my eyes as I lay in bed after reading that. And that’s when all those thoughts, and the story of my life with the iron rod, began to run through my head. I have yet to experience the last part of my ‘dream/thought’ with me finally taking the hand of the bishop, but I’ve already taken the step. It’s Friday night right now, and I can almost feel something foreshadowing a weekend of constant battle with the advisary. I know he will try everything he can to keep me from seeing the bishop Tuesday night. That’s because he knows how strong I can be with the Lord by my side. But I can’t give in. I won’t give in. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 01-23-11 So… I typed up all those feelings Friday morning as they were fresh on my mind, but now that Sunday has rolled around and I’ve had time to think and calm my thoughts down I’ve been debating as to whether or not I should leave it in this letter. I was reading over it however, and I think I had better clarify some things. That entire experience, and the inspiration I received it quite dramatic. I realize though, that it needed to be that way for me to realize where I’m at and where I want to be. Tanner, you should know that I have never let go of the iron rod and strayed from my path. I guess in a way, we all kind of loosen our grip at times, but I know this church is true and I know everything about it is what I want in my life and how I want to live my life. I may forget that the Savior is always by my side, but that’s why I’ve decided to turn to my bishop. I feel like he’s the one that can help me see the Savior and learn to rely on him more. I tell you that because I don’t want you to be worried that I have completely lost my way – I haven’t. But it certainly seems like that after I share that story about my life. I’m doing quite well, dear, and I thank you for helping me stay strong. I also want to thank you for your incredible testimony in your last letter. That means so much to me dear. I love hearing you testify of the Savior and what he has done for you. You are incredibly strong and are such an example of the faith.

Boys

A good friend of mine posted this poem on her blog and I think it is just absolutely hilarious; and completely true. So naturally I 'stole' (copy/pasted) it from her and here it is on my blog :) Enjoy!

Boys
A heart is not a plaything, a heart is not a toy,
But if you want it broken, just give it to a boy.
Boys,they like to play with things to see what makes them run,
But when it comes to kissing, they do it just for fun.;
Boys never give their hearts away; they play us girls for fools,
They wait until we give our hearts and then they play it cool.
You'll wonder where he is at night; you'll wonder if he's true.
One moment you'll be happy; one moment you'll be blue.
If you get a chance to see him, your heart begins to dance.
Your life revolves around him-there's nothing like romance.
And then it starts to happen: you worry day and night.
You see, my friend, you're losing him, it never turns out right.
Boys are great, though immature; the price you pay is high.
He may seem sweet and gorgeous, but remember, he's a guy.
Don't fall in love with just a boy; that takes a lot of nerve.
You see, my friend, you need a man to get what you deserve.
So when you think that you're in love, be careful if you can,
Before you give your heart away, make sure that he's a man.

-Author Unknown